Mommy Roddick's Journal [entries|friends|calendar]
Mommy Roddick

thank you for loving me.

you pick me up when i fall down, you ring the bell before they count me out. if i was drowning, you would part the sea and risk your life to rescue me. lock the doors, leave the world outside. all i've got to give to you are these five words tonight - thank you for loving me, for being my eyes when I couldn't see; for parting my lips, when i couldn't breathe.
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I bet you didn't know... [28 Jun 2008|12:47am]
[ mood | content ]

I've been doing alot of thinking lately about how much we all really know about one another. Most of us here say that we are an open book and that we're willing to share just about anything if it's asked, but how many of us actually have the balls to approach someone we don't know and question something that might be deemed as extra personal? I talk to a small handful of people around here, 99% of them through comments, and chances are, there is a great deal they don't know about me. Add in the ones who have been pouring into [info]reel lately, and there are alot of people that I have never spoken to and never approached.

Instead of a normal update, today I am going to share six facts about myself, some of which might be considered overly personal, others that you can find on any website. I'm doing this in hopes that I may have something in common with another here and hopefully, I can gain a new friend from exploring myself as well.

1. I don't have a middle name. For reasons that I don't even know, I never questioned it either because it never seemed weird, when I was born, my parents didn't give me a middle name. It's just straight up Agnes Bruckner. Back in the day before Andy and I started dating, I'd call him Andrew Stephen just to be a bitch, and he was convinced up until the day we married that I had a middle name that I wasn't telling him. He improvised and soon began to call me Agnes Hungruss Bruckner. He did, however, finally accept the fact.

2. I speak three languages, two fluently. Obviously, I do speak English, but I also speak Russian as well as a little bit of Hungarian. My mother was Russian and after my parents divorced, she raised me, so I was brought up speaking Russian just as much as English. My father was Hungarian and although I was not brought up with the language, I did some studying on my own and can speak a few simple phrases here and there.

3. I use to smoke. I know, it's a horrid habit, one that I picked up years ago while filming Murder By Numbers, my first REAL role, in my book. In fact, Ryan Gosling gave me my first cigarette and it was a habit that I held onto until about this time last year. When Andy and I decided to get married, he made me an ultimatum. If I stopped smoking - successfully - for six weeks, we'd go shopping for an engagment ring (the reasons as to why I didn't have one immediately is in the next fact). I struggled, I was bitchy, and I ate a ton of Raisinettes, but I did it.

4. I proposed to Andy. We were in France for the French Open and he took me out for a night on the town, so to speak. We were at the Eiffel Tower and I looked over and before I could stop myself, I was asking him to marry me. He'd been my best friend (strictly platonically) for nine months before we started dating, so I knew him like the back of my hand. After I asked and he stared at me in shock, I tried to be all romantic and say something memorable, but instead, I ended up as a blubbering baby. His response? "Sure, let's make this shit official!" What a man answer, right?

5. I'm something of an exhibitionist. I love sex in public places and the more chance of being caught, the better. Well, maybe I should clarify. My mother is old fashioned and she believed I was a virgin up until the day I got married. It wouldn't be shocking to me if she thought I was a virgin up until the day I told her I was pregnant. Therefore, the more chance of my mother catching us in the act, the better. But really, any public place does it for me. In fact, one year ago, this week, I was being bent over a net at Wimbledon.

6. Although Andy and Austin love them, I'm not much of a video game fan. I can tolerate the occassional watch and even playing with Austin, but for the most part, I don't get it and it frustrates me that I can't figure it out. However, I love Guitar Hero. One, two, Rocks the 80s, Legends of Rock, as well as the Aerosmith and upcoming Motley Crue versions. That is one video game I CAN play. The first time I picked up the guitar was last year, six weeks before he and I got married. We'd decided to abstain from sex for six weeks preceding the ceremony and I had to do something to get rid of my nervous energy. At one point, I was on expert level, but I've since dropped back down to Medium depending on which game it is.

There I am in a nutshell. Tell me, what do I have in commone with you?

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These little wonders - these twists and turns of fate. [15 May 2008|12:50am]
[ mood | awake ]
[ music | rob thomas [ little wonders ] ]

"The decision to have a child is to forever have a piece of your heart walking around outside of your body."


I once heard that one of the most amazing things about being a woman is that our bodies know exactly how to take two microscopic cells and produce something as perfect as a baby - as long as we give it the nine months of late night Taco Bell runs that it requests. It's no surprise that I've been putting alot of thought into that as of late. While the female body is amazing enough to be able to do this, no one but another woman can fully understand the hell that we go through in order to create and house a "little wonder." As I grow further and further along in my pregnancy, I have come to a resounding conclusion on how I feel being smack in the middle of all this.

When I was little, I begged my mom and step dad for a pet. My brother had a dog, my sister had a bird, but me, being the baby of the family, had yet to be given a pet and the responsibility that came along with it. Finally, on my seventh birthday, I was taken to the pet shop and told that I could pick out one pet, but that it was my responsibility. I had to feed it every day, keep it's cage clean (or give it baths, depending on what I chose), and I had to give it lots of love and lots of attention. I was taken in by the cages of little furry animals, the aquariums of fish, the terariums of reptiles. I was continually drawn back to the gerbils and hamsters though, and finally, I chose a teddy bear hamster with white fur. I immediately named him Sammy. Everything was well and fine until summertime hit and I was spending more time outside. My attention was always on outside and riding my bike and being with my friends. The days passed, slowly turning into weeks, and one day at dinner, my mother posed the question of when the last time I cleaned Sammy's cage was. It was then that it clicked that not only had I not cleaned his cage... I hadn't fed him either. I'm sure we all know what happened.

Helplessness.

That's how I'm feeling right now. I had a pet when I was little and I couldn't even remember to feed it. I'm getting a small taste of what all this will be like with Austin, him needing help and needing us to get him whatever he could need or want. Not that I'm afraid of forgetting to feed one of my children, but knowing that these little people are unable to do much for themselves and they are depending on you for everything is overwhelming. Austin depends on us to make sure he gets his meals. We turn on his video games for him and take care of him when he skins a knee when he's outside playing. He depends on us to take care of him and to keep him safe. He knows that he can crawl up between Andy and I in bed at night if he's had a bad dream and we'll snuggle him and kiss him and remind him that it wasn't real.

Our unborn baby is the same way. He or she depends on me for food. For protection. To get enough sleep. For love. This baby is even more dependent on us than what Austin is and it won't stop when it is born. It'll keep going until he or she starts walking, starts learning, and starts to grow up. It's scary shit to know that you have these lives in your hands and they are depending on you for their necessities and to be molded into the adults that they are one day suppose to be.

There are days I want to toss up my hands, climb into my time machine, and change my mind about all this. I'm scared out of my mind to think that I might irreversibly mess up one of my kids or do something that might have them resent me. Those are also the days when Austin runs up, hugs me around my knees, burps up a bubble after he's drank his bubble mix from the store, tells me he loves me and runs away. And it's those moments that make it completely worth it. Sure, it's scary. Sure, there are times when I'm not sure I'm the right person to be bringing up another life. But I also know that no matter how scared shitless I am, love is the most important thing you can show a child, and that can work wonders.

There are times when I miss crawling into my dad's lap just to sit, to be hugged and loved on. To be reassured that he loves me and that he'll always be right there to support me. I know that I'm not the first parent to feel this way and I know I won't be the last. Although it's hard sometimes to want to keep going, at the end of the day, hearing a little boy say "goodnight mommy, love you" makes it all completely worth it.
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[02 Mar 2008|08:48pm]
a whole new world - a dazzling place i never knew. but now from way up here, it's crystal clear and now i'm in a whole new world with you. unbelievable sights, indescribable feeling. soaring, tumbling, free wheeling through an endless diamond sky. a whole new world. a hundred thousand things to see. i'm like a shooting star, i've come so far, and i can't go back where i used to be.

friends only.
[info]creativeartists
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